Feb. 14 – Mar. 14

Tossing and turning in bed, trying to get comfortable on one side or another. The right side (liver) is definitely out, as is laying on my stomach. The left side hurts as well because of my spleen and now I’m crying as the familiarity of all of this strikes me. Winter 2015 it was the same nearly every night, but I didn’t mind as much. I slept fitfully or stayed awake on the couch feeling the movements of the twins swimming inside me. I talked and sang to them so that they would recognize my voice when we met in person.

My abdomen is nearly as big now as it was then. The tumors in my liver make it big enough to be palpable and the spleen is twice the size it should be, a symptom of liver disease. During pregnancy I loved the sight of my huge belly. Now it reminds me of the disease lurking inside.

During the day my abdomen is usually only a little uncomfortable. At night it often becomes painful, I assume because of digestion, and everything having less room. The skin over the angry organs becomes hard, distended and tight. If I were to bump into something at stomach level, I feel as though I would burst like a ripe grape.

Trying to get comfortable in bed, I can’t stop bitter, angry tears from coming. Here I am, feeling like I have come back to the same place of pain and illness that I was in in 2015. Only with a lot of suffering in between. And for what? My mind screams at God, “HOW CAN YOU???!!”. I want to sit up in bed and scream until I’m hoarse. I have a wild desire to pummel Him “If only He were human”, my mind says.

But He is human. I see Jesus, just a figure in my mind, and I see myself before Him. I hesitate with a choice, one that we are all faced with at some time in life. Curse or worship. I choose to fall, weeping, at His feet and say with faith or strength that I barely have: “You are love.” The words and the act of saying them is so raw that I might as well be turned inside out- heart and guts displayed to the world. It might be the greatest surrender that I’ve ever made.

It’s been a rather emotional week. If life went according to plans, Nate and I would be in Utah or Arizona right now. We had planned and booked an exciting trip to see the Grand Canyon and other canyons in the Grand Circle of national parks. Sadly, we had to cancel the trip. I became ill four days ago and am just now starting to feel better, though weak and with a low fever hanging on.

Canceling was a big disappointment to me. It’s one more thing to try to accept and not be angry about. This trip, our girls, my health, life itself. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I continue to say “Blessed be Your name” because I know it’s the right thing to do. I have faith that before the end, I will be able to say it and mean it.

The latest on the medical front is that I had another TACE procedure (injecting chemo into the liver) on Feb. 14. The side effects were rough, but I think I’ve healed from them. I’m due for some imaging before long to see if the procedure did its job. Death to cancer cells.


19 thoughts on “Feb. 14 – Mar. 14

  1. Thank you for sharing … this must be so hard to write. I think about you and pray for you often: strength, peace, comfort, and of course, healing.

    Much love … Audrey


  2. We’re praying for you every day. “The Lord bless you and keep you: the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you,the Lord lift up His countanence upon you, and give you peace” Amen. Num.6:25-26


  3. I can relate on some level the whole surrender thing. I had the grace to surrender my mom quickly. She’s the one of the biggest things I’ve surrendered to the Lord. What else are we gonna do.

    Thank you for sharing and being real. 😘….❤️Love to you.


  4. Thinking of you and praying for you often, Amy — Love, Carol “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10


  5. Sorry to hear how difficult life is. Will respond by praying more earnestly and more often for you, Jill

    Sent from my iPad



  6. Amy, I am blessed to know you! Your strong faith in the midst of your physical weakness is astonishing. Continuing to pray and trust the Lord! You are loved!


  7. We love you Amy! I just came home from a trip to Ohio! I met with a small group last night that has Emily Shearer’s dad as one of its leaders. They asked about you and Nate… they pray for our ministry here on the north shore… and especially for you and Nate.


  8. Amy, this is so beautifully written. That thought process when the anger soars and we think “if only He were human” and then it hits you….God Incarnate! I’m so touched by how you describe falling to your knees being overcome by His great LOVE! I wish I could take away your pain. I will continue to lift you up in prayer my dear sister-in-Christ. Thank you for bringing glory to our Lord in your writings. Love, Cathy


  9. Nate’s and your strength & complete faith in Jesus are such an inspiration to Linda & I. Our prayers for both of you continue, not only for a miracle healing and physical comfort, but that your testimony impacts others closer to our only Hope. God Bless


  10. Dear sister – your powerful words move me – I have an apprehension of your great sufferings. Another knows better – knows best – and prophetically utters His deep distress in Psalm 22. I am encouraged to see you say “your greatest surrender” – it is in such moments that the Lord can provide His greatest blessings. Our hearts and sympathies here in NJ are fully with you and Nate. (I SO wish you would contact Dr. Nicholas Gonzalez’s office ….). Much love to you both.


  11. Thanks so much, Amy for being so honest. Jesus has blessed us all so much through your sharing. We love and pray for you.


  12. You are a strong, beautiful woman, Amy. Neil and I watched The Shack about a week ago, which reminds me that “Papa” will never leave you or forsake you.” Sending love, support and faith from both of us.
    Neil and Elaine


  13. Continuing to pray for you, Amy! Prayers for God’s spirit to be present in each moment, for his love to be real to you, for his provision of what he knows you need most each day.   Prayers and love! ~Sarah


  14. Precious Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart and for inspiring us to surrender more fully to God. Praying for you and Nate and loving you very much. ❤


  15. Amy, you don’t know me but I read your blog because it reminds me that we suffer together. The severe mercy of God too often feels only severe. I can’t wait for heaven when we will see the other side of the quilt He is creating through our lives – the beautiful side.


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